Friday, 1 July 2011

Sinking Feeling……….!

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.
(**Source – Pet loss)

Never thought of a day when I would be writing a post like this but this so called “LIFE” has compelled me to do so…….Whenever I start to write its very emotional yet exciting moment for me, usually I write when I'm sad :-( but this time I couldn’t sit down and write about Goofy.  I couldn’t even speak about him. I didn’t want to let anyone into the dark sanctuary of grief we shared together. I would have done anything in my power to stop my little Goofy from dying.  So whilst I could not make Goofy live, I was unable and unwilling to let him go.  If I did not speak about him out loud, or allow anyone inside, I could hold him within me forever.  

I had him since he was born, 7 yrs ago. IT’S SO UN REAL THAT HE IS GONE :( it was sort of sudden.I have difficulty getting my head around the fact that one day your beloved is there, and the next day he’s not, and there’s nothing you can do about it.:-(

Now I am more than sans-dog. I am without of my best friend. The house seems quite empty. I am quite lonely. Oh, I have friends. Quite a few "best" ones. And I don't mean to insult or slight them or minimize any of our friendships. But those who have had dogs who've transcended from "pet" to "companion" or "friend" and right on into "family", you'll know what I mean.

For days after Goofy died, I cried solid for three day, then off and on for one-week, then sporadically after that. I had no idea he had wormed his way into my heart until he was gone. I was distressed when I walked into a room and he wasn’t there. Even though I knew he wasn't there I called him with a crying sound and well it hit me again……he's not coming back ;-( I resented very much that he was no longer with me, no longer cracking jokes and acting the clown; no longer smiling at me and giving me beautiful butterfly kisses. I wanted to see his tail on the skyline again.  I wanted him to be here now, picking up his enormous teddy bear and dancing down the hall, looking so adorable that my heart nearly burst. He was the last face I saw at night when I went to bed and was the first face I saw upon awakening as if he waited patiently for me to wake up. He was the last face I'd see when I'd leave for work in the morning (he'd walk me to the door... after I gave him the expected and deserved handful of cashews). And it would seem that he would have sit at the window the whole day waiting for my return.

God! It’s really unfair that I am always rewarded for loving people by having them taken away :-(

But I am so very, very thankful that Goofy came into my life. When I look back over the years, I see pictures of Goofy as a puppy – so adorable and huggable. He smelt so good. I remember bringing him home. He was so small and cuddly with his tiny paws and soft fur. Making a mess of the house and chewing on everything in sight became a passion, and when I scolded him, he just put his head down and looked up at me with those innocent eyes, as if to say, "I'm sorry, but I'll do it again as soon as you're not watching." :-) 

As he got older, he protected me by looking out the window and barking at everyone who walked by. When I had a tough day at work, he would be waiting for me with his tail wagging just to say, "Welcome home. I missed you. "You never had a bad day, and I could always count on you to be there for me. When I sat down to read the paper and watch TV, he would hop on my lap, looking for attention. He never asked for anything more than for me to pat his head so he could go to sleep with his head over my leg.
Thinking it hilarious, whenever the crows above our terrace were flying about, seeing them every time he used to creep up and bark at them through the fence. I see Goofy lying under the sheet – he loved me to cover his head and poke him through the cloth. I still remember how I used to keep my hair band on his nose while brushing my hair, how I used to put my kajal on his forehead. He used to get so mad when I blew air on his nose to annoy him. He was hopeless at catching balls & flies .:-) How we all three sisters used to tie Rakhi around his neck in every Raksha Bandhan.

I absolutely know he loved me, and he knew I loved him.Dogs are like that, aren’t they?  If you take a dog into your heart, he’s always on your side, forever rooting for you.Dogs want the best for their humans, they really do. If all was not calm and well in our world, Goofy felt the need to turn things around. He would take on his loved-ones’ pain and carry it for them, whilst at the same time trying to cheer everyone up. Dogs do this, don’t they?  Goofy’s life mission was to make me laugh, and it was my job to repay him by laughing heartily at every joke he cracked. 
The death of a loved-one certainly puts life into perspective.My Maa-si said to me, when her dog died, “It made me realize that life can be so painful, and it makes me shrink away from causing hurt to anyone again”. This is exactly what happened to me when Goofy died, Knowing what real pain felt like. I vowed to never willingly cause pain to another living being.But it seems to me that even though we try to be kind, we often harm others by accident.We say things without thinking, without understanding the effect of our words, or we don’t think to say or do something that could mean so much to someone in pain.  
I have a poster in my room that says, “Dear Lord, help me to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am”, but I have it on good authority that our dogs know that we are already the lovely people they think we are.  They’re just waiting for us to feel worthy of the love they give us.They want us to stop beating ourselves up and accept ourselves as the imperfect beings that every human must be.  

I'm not going to go into the whole debate over whether dogs have souls and do they go to heaven. But I didn't want him to be alone with some stranger there at the last. I didn't want him to be alone, to be frightened. I wanted him to see my face as he went. And feel me petting him one more time. And hear my voice. Telling him what a good, good dog he was just one more time and that I loved him. That was all he ever wanted.  To see my face, to feel my touch and to hear my voice.

As my Maa used to say that spirits never die, it’s the only essence which simply discards its worn-out body and moves on to next adventure. On the way passing through a place of profound peace, eternal happiness and finally meeting with others who has already been though this journey and gone before. I know that Goofy’s essence will always be with us. We will all meet our loved-ones again one day. 

And now we need to find acceptance. As life goes on so we can’t turn our backs on grief – we have to face it full on. But I personally believe that it will take time.  Even though my Maa and I have allowed ourselves to cry, and to talk about sweet Goofy. We may never be entirely free of it.But acceptance is something we must all seek and embrace.  Acceptance of life, acceptance of death, and acceptance of the trillion thoughts, feelings and happenings in between and acceptance of each other. 

Isn’t it interesting that my Goofy never judged me; he loved me all the same without any customization despite of my insecurities and all stupid decisions, he never once judged me. So I thank him for the love he gave and received, he is no longer on the outside of me, wagging his tail.  But he is inside me, in my heart, where he will always stay. I know this post is too long and may be making no sense for you people but for the very first time I would say that it will not make any difference to me whether u read it or not because it was not meant for anyone of you….this is only for my child whom I loved like anything.

May God the Almighty grant peace to the departed soul….!!