Saturday, 3 May 2014

Lost.....!!

It’s been so long since I’ve written here, that even the layout of this site has changed, when I last watched any movie except that “Gandhi”, when I last watched my “FRIENDS”, purchased any novel, listened to Ghazals, scribbled this blog and visited any orphanage. You can easily imagine my state of mind after reading these lines!  And cause behind all this I myself don’t know….otherwise I could have found solution for this.

I don’t know…what happened to me? But something is missing. Something is unfinished. Yes it is…but what? I need to find out and that too very soon...

I don’t feel like talking to people at this part of life or you can say at this very particular part of my life …… I just keep wondering as to why I don’t have anything to say? It’s like "I cannot talk about anything they usually talk about or maybe I don’t feel connected to them anymore. But it’s not their fault…I know it’s totally mine..!! Sitting in the balcony with my cup of hot coffee and gazing at the stars for endless hours is something I really enjoy now. Listening some fragmented but sweet sentences of my son “Anay “on phone gives me a sense of purest form of love. Talking to "Pooja”who is more than a friend and usually talks relevant, short and positive is more than enough for me. Rest all seems artificial and an illusion to me.

But you know nothing bothers me as much as that now I have stopped praying too and this is the most dangerous thing , I am doing to myself .I don’t know why this is happening to me? Sorry to say but day by day I am losing faith in almighty. I don’t feel like talking to him anymore. That heart to heart connection is somewhere lost…….Shame on me as now I have stopped bending my head before him too..... Even I couldn't able to sit before him for more than 5 minutes. Although I usually don’t ask him for granting me anything earthly, but a little sign, may be the feeling that he is watching would have been enough.But what else a common stupid person like me can do ? when God himself not helping her to overcome this .Sometimes I feel scared that there is no one sitting up there...few bloody questions used to hammer my brain like any thing….it’s like why he frequently hits me at my most vulnerable points?? What pleasure he derives by breaking these already broken parts?? and list simply doesn't end here.

Anyway read many forums on Google….but couldn't find any convincing answer for all this….. And for this I am not  blaming myself. All I can do is to wait for him to fix it as soon as possible. I hope he will ….as he himself can’t afford losing me otherwise he could have had allowed me to love someone else more than him.


Ending this post here only in anticipation of getting his help soon so that I can see his grace again in everything.